Manners and Mental Health

It is difficult to admit that I visited McDonald’s at midnight this past week, mostly because I am a long way from my teens and aware that the product quality may not be the best choice for my physical wellness. Nutritional value aside, I did not expect to experience such disdain for people, human disconnection and absolute dishonour at this giant retailer’s hands?

There was a day when manners were expected by everyone, especially every staff member employed by the Golden Arches conglomerate McDonald’s.

At fifteen, I appreciated the opportunity to be employed by this company, making it possible to afford food and housing at a very difficult time in my life. I recall being offered the job, but only, as the manager said “if you cut your hair“. Yes, I had fairly long hair in the mid-seventies and that was not considered appropriate for working in the food service industry. We were also required to use manners for every request. The front staff would call out; “Six Macs please” (twelve or twenty-four if it was busy) and, as a grill person, I was required to respond; “Laying six Macs thank you“. This was required for Macs, Fries, Quarterpounders and even the Filet-O-Fish. You may get a caution or two but manners were an essential part of the McDonald’s staffing philosophy. Essential meaning do it or you do not work here!

McDonald’s strives to offer the same experience at every store in every country so I hope what happened to us is not spreading globally. Still today, their Canadian website offers McDonald’s staffing vision (see below) of top quality service which is a direct contradiction to our experience;

“Our People Vision”

“At McDonald’s® Canada our People Vision is for our people to feel valued and proud to work here. In fact we aim to be the best employer in every one of our Canadian communities.”          https://www.mcdonalds.com/ca/en-ca/careers/our-people.html

Manners Optional ? – Ask Macdonald’s

So what did we experience and was it as bad as we think it was? You be the judge. Just after midnight we had the idea to get a cone so we pulled into the drive through at Crossroads McDonald’s – Weston Road and 401. It took nearly ten minutes to approach the ordering sign alone. Either we really wanted a cone or the fact we had not way to exit influenced or patience? When we arrived to order a really upbeat and friendly automated voice greeted us followed by silence. We asked “Are you there” with another half minute of silence broken through by what sounded like a very depressed young lady’s voice… “Yes, what do you want”. The reverberation and distortion in the speaker system was also unusually high.

We placed our order which was not responded to with a thank you that is so commonly spoken in retail and fast food services. The woman did not even say the usual “please pull up to the next window”? Ok, maybe she is just having a bad day? We then waited for ten more minutes to get to the window to pay. What happened next was appalling. The young girl opened the window, went out of her way to not make eye contact, reached out her hand for our money, took the money, gave the change and closed the window without a single word spoken or any semblance of kindness or caring. The young girl later opened the service window and handed us our food, closing the window again without saying one word during the entire interaction… no please, no apology for a twenty-five minute drive through wait and no thank you at all.

Am I making a big deal over something small or is this discourteous approach to retail becoming all too commonplace? I have experienced this at a number of places over that past few years. Are employers resigned to not expect their staff to great people politely, to use common courtesy and to act happy about their decision to shop at their stores? Is it too much effort to train staff due to high turnover in low or minimum wage workplaces? I think NOT!

When I was struggling as a young teen, I was angry, upset, frustrated to be living on my own and quite comfortable with being rude to others fairly regularly. I was in an “I don’t care” mode almost daily. I had more “Stinkin Thinkin” about myself and others, than probably any other time in my life, but, when the manager said “cut your hair” and “you must use manners consistently” I had a decision to make – eat or keep being rude. Nine months of following the courteous and polite requirements at McDonald’s (circa 1973) taught me the importance of manners. I had to “fake it to make it” for manners to become a real part of my life.  Eric Erikson identified this stage of personality development as the identity crisis.  Successful completion of this stage involves the young person’s development of a clearer understanding of who they are, relative to others, their likes and dislikes and their place in the world.  Erikson postulated that a failure during this stage would inevitably lead to role confusion.  Role confusion is certainly one of the factors in life that contributes to anxious and depressed mood.

I sure hope the management and owner(s) at Crossroads McDonald’s behave better manners than those staff last Thursday night. I have my doubts though as I have come to learn that staff often mimic or follow the way they are treated. Perhaps this is why www.Hiringtowin is listed right on their sales slip. Right on their careers web link below, they state;

Careers | McDonalds Canada – McDonald’s https://www.mcdonalds.com/ca/en-ca/careers.html

“We believe the best people in the world work right here.”

I believe, if McDonald’s management had not expected me to be polite during my middle teens I would not have been just like the staff I had the displeasure of meeting the other day. Sadly, I may likely have never realized the value of being polite, the impact that using manners has on how I feel and, possibly, I may have never grown to expect this from our children, colleagues and staff?

Being nice to one another is one major way we can improve our mental health. Research shows that being kind, altruistic and using of polite, personal gestures helps both the receiver and the sender feel happier and more satisfaction.

Manners matter McDonald’s and every other retailer out there. When you insist upon this you help staff and customers feel better. Please change your training expectations accordingly to foster improved overall wellness.

 

 

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 Are You Getting The Love You Crave?

One of the greatest resources for marriage and family is the book by Harvile Hendrix (Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. – ISBN 10: 0-8050-6895-3) and, in the twentieth anniversary edition, joined by his wife Helen Lakelley Hunt accurately titled “Getting The Love You Want”.  This is a brief summary* aimed to get you interested enough to buy the book and use it, along with the exercises and maybe even a therapist to make your romantic relationship into the best love of your life.

SUMMARY   by H. Holt & Company

One of my main realizations in Getting The Love You Want was that the two individuals in a relationship need to let go of the illusion that they are the centre of the universe and learn to see each other as equal partners. There are indeed two people in the relationship. When two individuals surrender their centrality, something unexpected occurs – the relationship itself  becomes the center. Once that fundamental shift occurs, they can begin to work with the unconscious purpose of their relationship, not against it. They can begin to accept the fact that being in an intimate love relationship calls forth all the unresolved issues of their childhood, and that they can learn how to work together to resolve them.  We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship. Indeed, we cannot be fully healed outside of a relationship.  This is the idea that resonated with so many couples.

  • The first step is become more conscious of our old wounds. We look into the past for evidence of how we were denied adequate nurturing and how we repressed essential parts of our being. We do this through therapy, prayer, and reflection, and by becoming more astute observers of everyday events.  As we gather new insights, we share them with our partners, because we no longer assume they can read our minds.  When our partners share their thoughts and feelings with us, we listen with understanding and compassion, knowing that this sharing is a sacred trust.  Gradually we start to “reimage” our partners, to see them as they really are wounded children seeking salvation.
  • Once we have this more accurate image, we begin to redesign our relationships to heal our wounds.

“To do this, we first build an atmosphere of safety and trust.  By closing our exits, renewing our commitment to each other, and deliberately pleasuring each other, we create a safe and nurturing environment.”  

We add to this feeling of safety and validation by learning to communicate openly and effectively.  As we overcome our resistance to this new way of relating, we begin to see our partners with even more clarity.  We learn that they have fears and weaknesses and desires that they have never shared with us.  We listen to their criticisms of us and realize that these illuminate our own darkness.  We tell ourselves: “My partner has something to say about me. There is probably a measure of truth in this comment.”  Gradually we come to accept the fullness, the dark and the light of our own being.

  • The next step in the healing process is perhaps the most difficult: we make a decision to act on the information we are acquiring about ourselves and our partners and become our partner’s healers. We go against our instinct to focus on our own needs and make a conscious choice to focus on theirs.  To do this, we must conquer our fear of change.  As we respond to our partners’ needs, we are surprised to discover that, in healing our partners, we are slowly reclaiming parts of our own lost selves.  We are integrating parts of our being that were cut off in childhood.  We find ourselves regaining our capacity to think and to feel, to be sexually and spiritually alive, and to express ourselves in creative ways.
  • Dec 16th 2008006_editedAs we reflect on all that we are learning, we see that the painful moments in life are in reality opportunities for growth. Instead of blocking the pain, we ask ourselves: “What  truth is trying to emerge at this moment?  What primal feelings are hiding beneath these feelings of sadness, anxiety, and frustration?” We learn that the underlying feelings are pain and rage and the fear of death, and that these feelings are common to us all.  Finally, we find a safe and growth-producing way to express these powerful emotions and no longer allow them jeopardize our relationships.
  • One by one, the elements of our marriage that were once unconscious-the fears, the anger, the childhood needs, the archaic pain-are brought to the surface, first to find acceptance, then, ultimately, to be resolved. As our wounds heal and as more hidden parts of ourselves come into our awareness, we have a new sense of our inherent unity and wholeness.

For more information on how to get the love you want contact us today!

* This brief summary was originally published by Henry Holt and Company and the entire summary can be found at: http://www.peace.ca/gettingtheloveyouwant.htm

Where do you put your faith?

I work in the Durham region at a Physio and Chiro clinic.  It seems lately that our clinic is cursed.  I do not believe you can be cursed if you have a love for God.  God is bigger than the boogeyman and he is the healer of all things – even when evil seems to have come into play. My co-workers and I have all suffered tremendous obstacles in our lives, e.g. illnesses, injuries, hospitalizations, alcoholism, death, surgeries. Everything seems to be overwhelming us at this time.  When my boss left yesterday for a week’s vacation in England, he stated, “Well, I hope the plane doesn’t crash!! ”  We all giggled but it really was NOT funny.

In these stressful times, it is very hard to remain positive.  I find that when issues arise, I say a prayer, let it out and leave it to God.  He will help you work it out, just ask Him.  Skeptics will say to me, “Yeah right” but it does work.  We often hear the sayings, “Things happen for a reason”, “It was meant to be”, whatever your belief is, God or your Superior Being is the ruler of all.  Someone is definitely ruling and my faith is in God.

 

Photo credit: Prawny from morguefile.com


Photo credit: DuBoix from morguefile.com

TV – Mental Health Analogy

If I were to try to explain how I feel it would go something like this.

I am a TV. I have many channels. During a day my channels get changed. A few channels come in clear without a lot of “fuzzy”. Some channels I’m not sure have been seen.

I think that each channel has a job and an emotion. Some of the channels seem functional and rational and carry on in a somewhat normal way. Some channels don’t even seem to be in the right language for me to understand. Some are just crazy with distorted images and ideas. Some are really boring. (great for sleeping)

I am not always aware of what channel I am on. I think when an emotion happens to me, my TV flips around looking for the right channel to be on. If the right channel isn’t available fast enough it either just KEEPS FLIPPING or stops on the BAD channel.

Flipping constantly is one of the worst feelings. It causes headaches and exhaustion and panic. This feeling of “flipping” makes me look for a “quick fix” to make it stop. I’d definitely unplug myself if possible, or reboot or refresh. This channel isn’t even a channel…it just keeps going and going and makes me want to run and cry. It sometimes makes me speak out of turn or out loud and makes me hear way too much noise at once.

Landing on the BAD channel is my worst fear. It’s the channel NO ONE SUBSCRIBES TO. It’s run by the devil I’m sure. It’s all violent with twisted images and loud annoying noises. It has dinosaurs and creatures without faces. It has trees that whisper bad things and babies that cry out for help. It has shadows in the corners watching from unknown places. The good people are actually bad people who will get you. It’s an extremely scary channel and makes everything feel not real. It gives nightmares and night sweats and other bad things I can’t even mention because they are too bad. Suicide is always a good option that makes sense on this channel.

The religious channel is my favorite. It has great love (and music). This channel has hope and calmness and meaning to life. It has God in charge of all feelings and beliefs. Everything is beautiful and simple. Things move at the right speed. If I could just pick one channel this would be the one. I pray every night that I wake up on this channel. If I am on this channel I don’t want to do ANYTHING that will make the channel change. I find myself avoiding life sometimes in fear it will get changed. Sometimes I get really excited to die while on this channel or just become too overwhelmed with the beauty of the world.

The cartoon channel, a mostly good one, filled with Muppets and laughter and games. Everything is a cartoon and not real. Everything is funny and seems silly. People seem puppet-like and voices change. Everyone is an actor and backgrounds are just pretend. People can’t really die but they might explode once in a while. It can be a confusing channel but it’s one I actually like. Caution to myself not to hurt myself while on this channel. It’s easy to be impulsive on this one and make bad decisions. Laughing inappropriately makes a person look crazy so a lot of self-control is needed.

Some channels are set for days at a time. They are like “sub channels” These include:

  • Food channel – vegetarian, vegan, dairy-free, meat-eater, eat by colors, eat by food groups, don’t eat, overeat, make yourself sick, nuts and seeds only, junk food only etc.
  • Sex channel – female attraction, male attraction. No attraction, attraction to objects, attraction to pain
  • Sexuality channel – male, female, both, neither, gay, bi, non-human
  • Relationship channel – not sure this one is included

Someday I’m going to find the remote.   When I do, I’ll get to pick any channel I want. I will also change my package to not include the bad channels. They are such a waste of time and energy.


Photo credit: kondition from morguefile.com

~ Dedicated to Kareem and also Becky~

~Rest in Everlasting Peace. ~

When experiencing loss and grief, we may ask many questions yet never receive answers:

  • Why take them from us so young?
  • What could have been done to prevent this from happening? Or to help?
  • Was I not a good enough influence or foster better choices?
  • Will I get over this pain?
  • How can I be there for my family when I can barely be there for myself?
  • Is this fair?

We may toss and turn trying to find answers to these questions. We may question our faith and our reality, pondering what we truly are living for. When such tragedy strikes our families and friends, what good can come out of it?

It is very normal to have these questions, to worry, to be concerned. Feelings of helplessness, fear, anxiety, and sadness can become overwhelming. During our time of grief, coping with simple life tasks can be difficult. Take your time. Don’t rush into the hustle and bustle of life’s demands. Find comfort through loved ones who are also grieving, and accept support from those friends and others who want to extend care to you during this difficult time.

Prayer. For those who place faith in God, praying for strength, and sometimes just praying for survival can provide comfort and peace during the grieving process. When we question God’s plans, the best source to turn to is God Himself, reading time-tested and true ancient wisdom. Through prayer and scripture, we may not find the answers we are looking for, however we may find serenity, and regain our strength, hope and possibly even confidence in God’s plan for all of us.

Questions of faith and uncertainty can be addressed in counselling. Incorporating spirituality might just restore the hope that is essential to life and death.  Call us today.

 

Travelling to a foreign country can be rather exciting and stressful at the same time. You don’t know the customs, the people, the geographic area etc.. Even going to the USA from Canada, when you don’t travel much, can elevate stress levels. Thoughts that lean toward negativity, whether they are about airport check-in, customs and security, the type of plane, people or otherwise, can disrupt, worsen and even ruin a perfectly fine holiday away.

It is important to plan ahead, not just with practical things like packing, cars and sights to see, with who you are going to meet, but also planning how we are going to handle changes in plans, monkey wrenches and even attitudes about spending money.  Keeping positive, despite the normal unexpected challenges, is not an easy skill. We are, therefore, prudent to set some internal guidelines to keep our spirits up and to have a fun time. Discovering new ways to interpret the actions and motivations of others can help us stay in a positive frame of mind. Training our mind means shifting thoughts that fuel negative emotions and actions toward the intentional selection of  thoughts that fuel positive emotional and behavioural states.

Viewing all people as generally good, kind and caring can go a long way as can the thought; “I am to be polite, kind and courteous no matter the situation”. On our trip this past weekend, to Washington DC and the Baltimore area, we had plenty of opportunity to get flustered or “out-of-sorts” and that negative voice in the back of my head offered numerous reasons to do so.  Some of the situations that could easily have turned into awful experiences, based upon my potential handling of the moment, actually turned out quite well because I did not listen to my “stinkin thinkin” … for very long anyway.  “Take a few really deep breaths” was the message to myself as the girl at the check-in counter became… well let’s just say… a little disconcerting and a whole lot unfriendly!

For some time now, I have repeatedly discovered that being gracious begets a similar response. Being good, kind, understanding, patient etc. mostly leads to receiving similar responses from others. This may not be right at the moment, yet it seems to be a very consistent phenomenon provided we wait for it. In a hurried and rushed world we may often want results right away, expecting people to be nice immediately just because we have been. Is there a time limit or expiry date on goodness and graciousness? Can we ever really give too much of this.

Make any trip, experience or journey out of your comfort zone more positive by being mindful of your own thought selection. We can increasingly search for, reach for and develop more thoughts that portray a “goodness to gracious” view, thereby improving our journey along this road of life.