Another Breakup: What Am I Missing?

Photo credit: Kopfjaeger from morguefile.com

Why Does This Keep Happening?

“I took two years before stepping into another relationship. The previous lasted four years. At the four-year mark, my world was turned upside down. I could honestly say that I cried every day for the first year (although the episodes did decrease in length). I was sad and vowed that I would do things differently the next time.

When the next time came, I remembered to do things differently; however, I never really decided what ‘different’ things I would do. And thinking back, I didn’t think I committed to any behavior changes. I thought I would put a wall up to protect myself from hurt (just in case this relationship also wouldn’t work out).

And to my surprise (really, it was a surprise), this relationship has ended and I feel almost the same as when the previous one ended. I feel like I was stabbed in the back. I feel confused. And worst of all, I feel rejected. I ask myself over and over why I don’t seem to be good enough.”

After the first breakup, perhaps this individual did not consider her feelings of rejection in depth.

“Everyone around me was surprised by the breakup. And questioned how it could be. So yes, I did feel rejected but tried not to dwell in it. With this past relationship, I feel like the ending was so much similar to my previous that rejection is the forefront of my feelings now.”

It’s easy to blame the person doing the “dumping” for the breakup. Many of those in our support system will also want to put blame the one who initiated the breakup, however, the “blame game” is ineffective and, if prolonged, destructive to healthy growth and development.

Introspection (looking inward and examining our own intrapersonal and interpersonal dynamics) can change the way we relate to ourselves and to other people. Following improved self-awareness often comes the realization that just because a relationship ends, does not imply that we are inadequate or inferior. 

Most of the time, space between relationships is a good thing; however, we have to be able to use that time for self-reflection, growth and personal development. Efforts to improve ourselves helps us develop better relationship skills, thus, more satisfying relationships. There are many great resources; self-help books, group work, videos and online training you can use to augment your work with a professional counsellor. For assistance Call us today .