Bulimia: “The Voice Behind the Behaviour”

One courageous young lady reports her insights below on the negative thoughts underlying her bulimia behaviours. We sometimes call these negative thoughts collectively “It“ or may simply refer to these automatic negative thoughts as ANTS.  In counselling others, I find it helps to take a more light-hearted approach and refer to that negative inner voice as, “Stinkin Thinkin“.

The blog post below was submitted anonymously from a person struggling with bulimia.

She wanted to share her story so others who struggle can feel validated and supported.          (Caution… not for those with a weak stomach)

“The way ‘It’ sees eating”

“Every time you bring a mouthful of food to your mouth imagine hearing the following echoing with every chomp, swish and swallow. Even after it goes down the constant ringing of the voice always saying…”

 

• “you pig, why would you do that”
• “oh look who messed up again, shock”
• “have another, it won’t do any more damage than you’ve already done, you’re going to throw it up anyways”
• “Oh really another candy bar, well you’re already fat… go ahead eat it fatty”
• “wait where are you going to throw up so no one knows/will hear”
• “do you have perfume/gum nearby so no one can smell the vomit on you after”
• “I’m so proud of you for figuring out which finger works best”
• “don’t you dare get it on your clothing, people would be disgusted with you and your gross throwing up”
• “ahh see there you go, now you don’t have to feel guilty for eating now that it’s all out of your system… but aren’t you a little hungry again, maybe go have some more to eat, just do it again… it was easy the first time”
• “okay so you’ve already done it twice today… just do it once more, then that’ll be the last one”
• “if they keep asking why you go to the washroom after every meal just blame it on PMS”
• “okay so if I go do it on my lunch break that’ll leave me 5 minutes after eating, and I’ll go to the far washroom that no one ever goes to that way no one will hear me”
• “you better hurry and do it quick, you know the longer it stays in you the more you’ll absorb, god forbid you need any more layers of fat on you”
• “my favorite thing to throw up after anything I eat is ice cream, it comes up nice and smooth”
• “think, if you do this for just a few more weeks you’ll be able to fit in and actually look normal”
• “who cares if people want you to stop, it’s your body not theirs, you’re doing no harm to them, why are they being so selfish, let me make my own decisions”
• “never give up on doing this, or you’ll never be worth anything”

… pretty serious things to be hearing It constantly tell you. Most people eat three meals a day and barely think about what they consume. To someone with bulimia, it comes down to the moment the food touches your lips you start calculating how fast, where and how can you go unnoticed when getting it out. Crazy how It makes it seem like without the bulimia you’d be nothing.”

You can hear the contradictory and insulting messages.  These contribute to poorer emotional states and, of course poorer behaviour.

If you or someone you know struggles with disordered eating contact us today for information, support and counselling solutions.