After The Affair

How do you forgive your partner when they do not take responsibilities for their transgressions? (With this question we are taking the position that this may be a major transgression like an affair)

Often we hear from clients that they feel the person who has transgressed doesn’t care, isn’t remorseful enough or doesn’t acknowledge consistently enough how hurtful their actions were. In these situations it’s important to remember that the person who has transgressed has had a lot of time to process their actions and may come across as very complacent about their transgression. This can really frustrate the person who did not “step out” as they find out the information for the first time. The wounded person has not had time to consider this terrible information making it extremely difficult to show any empathy upon learning of the infidelity.

Another perspective to consider is how little education we receive on marriage, relationships and family during school. This means that much of our information about sexuality is dependent on the limited knowledge that may or may not be accurate or based upon reliable resources. It may seem obvious to you what your wants and expectations are for your relationship, however our lack of education and practice of good relationship habits can get in the way of healthy family life. By making a commitment to our own self growth we can take away learning, adjust relationship patterns and create new boundaries and habits.

(Photo by GaborfromHungary on Morguefile)

When people are in pain, want forgiveness and to move forward, sometimes they want this to happen overnight. In reality, forgiveness depends upon the stages of both the healing and grieving processes and, of course, often takes time. Powerful emotions such as anger and sadness may not be easily resolved and people may require some level of professional support in order to process and adjust effectively. Although we have little control over how long the recovery process takes, we do have control over our thoughts and can learn how to effectively express our natural emotions.

Often times in stress we can develop a bad habit of focusing on all the negative aspects of the relationships and about the person who has hurt us. A negative and blaming focus often fuels distress, so remember to strive to achieve balance at this difficult time. In order to balance negative thoughts it is imperitive to focus, and even dwell upon, the parts of the relationship and our partner we love and appreciate. When we are in a more balanced zone, we have more control over our actions and available options.

In addition, we can benefit from considering and taking ownership of our contributions to the difficulties in the romance. We can waste energy attempting to change the other person or force them to do as we wish, however, we can change our behaviors and improve upon the relationship by working on ourselves. Bowen’s family systems theory demonstrates how this happens – members of a family are so connected and impacted by each other that any one change in a family member will change and effect other family members in the system.

Think back to a time when a family member was sick – how did this change your roles around meal time, transportation, chores, quality time? The same is true when we begin to acknowledge and focus on our own areas for improvement rather than on correcting, blaming, or criticizing others. Improving ourself impacts our family system and fosters the process of change in the family as a whole. At these highly stressful times, when one partner had crossed a serious boundary, working on ourselves can be daunting and tiresome work.

We have the opportunity to assist many couples and families in crisis and are happy to help you and your family through this process. To learn ways of moving forward with more compassion and forgiveness contact us today.

Consider the following:

How to keep sparks alive? How does one awaken/reawaken lust; not love? (see… Rekindling Desire by Barry and Emily McCarthy)

–  Think back upon past experiences of cherished and loving times and feelings 

–  Improve sex education and conversations (books, podcasts, movies etc.)

–  Conversation about sexuality is sexual intercourse 🙂

–  Realistic expectation about stressors and life transitions (eg: birth of a baby, lost of a job, menopause/andropause, separation, relocations etc.)

–  Discuss fantasies; be more open with one another (HAVE FUN!) Yes… it is still ok to have fun even while you are working through a breach of trust.

Read Janis Abrahm-Spring’s book titled “After The Affair” or Estair Perel’s titled “The State of Affairs” for guidance and along with your therapist.