Recovery After Affairs: One Young Wife’s Journey

One Common Symptom of Poor Communication

Effective communication during disputes and disagreements is an essential component of high-quality and enduring relationships. Couples, even managers, employees and others, who are seeking to have amazing relationships are well advised to learn, develop and practice positive communication and interpersonal skills (especially conflict-resolution skills) in order to avoid destructive breakdowns like the one described by this young wife and mother below:

My husband and I have been dealing with disagreements, lies and affairs for the past 6 years. We got together when I was fifteen. Everything was awesome (obviously) but as we started to get closer, I started noticing things about him I did not like. So, of course, I tried to change him. He was very abusive, not physically but mentally and emotionally.

I looked for someone else’s comfort. As a teenager, I feel I didn’t know what I wanted in life so I cheated with an acquaintance.  When my husband found out, I told him the truth and told him I could no longer be with him.   I left him and started dating the man I cheated on my husband with. As time went on, the man I started seeing ended up in prison for a year. When he went to prison, I started to miss my husband, and we ended up back together six months later.

Well, after the man had served his sentence, he got out and I notice my husband still has not changed so I started dating this man…again. Four months went by and this same man ended up back in prison, for even longer. I got back with my husband, and ended up pregnant. I felt now, I have no choice and I need to make things work with me and him. I felt I tried my best to make things work, but they still weren’t working. This man got out of jail and I started seeing him again, while I was pregnant.
This time, our relationship was not sexual. I no longer had feelings for this man as I wanted my family to stay together. So, I would see him after school 3-4 times a week for about two hours and we would spend time at the libraries or just sitting and talking…nothing sexual (not even holding hands). I made it clear to him that I just wanted a friendship and felt he wanted the same. A few months later, he finally broke down and told me he was madly in love with me and would take care of me and my baby. I declined. I knew the relationship would never work.  I was in love with the thought of having someone there for me, as I didn’t feel this way with anyone before, he would make me feel safe and always had interest in what I had to say.

I cut off our relationship when my husband found out I was “sneaking” around to see the man while he was at work. So I stopped, and went to get professional help for this situation. Years go by, and last month is when I was at my worst. I stopped eating, no sleep, couldn’t even enjoy my dad’s vacation up here, and the way I react with my children changed. They could see and feel I was stressed out.

WE CANNOT STOP ARGUING!

We’d argue about things that didn’t even matter. I got so fed up one day that I made the biggest mistake that I’m still living with right now. I contacted the man again. I sent him a message through Facebook asking if he’d received the card I mailed him for his birthday. My husband had a suspicion I would go try to contact him again due to my history, so he checked the computer and saw the message. He was extremely upset. I did delete the message before the man would receive it. All I could think of was “What the h*ll have I done to my family”. I did this all out of anger, because my “Stinkin Thinkin” was thoughts like “Who cares about his feelings”, “Look at how he treats me”, “My kids won’t know they are too young to understand”, “He won’t leave… just do it anyway” and much, much more.

We talked about it. He was determined to leave but I broke down and I tried to explain that I was not happy and things need to change in our relationship. The talk we had that day was the most emotional and loving conversation that we’ve ever had. We discussed things he didn’t like that I do, and I explained things that he did I didn’t like. At the end of the conversation, we were both crying and I could feel that he loved me, for the first time. Now, we still are not perfect but I’ve noticed I have less “Stinkin Thinkin” and try to remain positive for my children, my husband and myself. I will remain positive now and not let “Stinkin Thinkin” choose my actions.

Help to develop and improve relationships is available at Jeff Packer MSW & Associates Inc., a counselling agency in Durham Region. To receive supportive assistance, coaching and effective communication skills training, contact us today!