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I Throw Up Almost Every Time I Eat – What Can I Do?
This post is primarily a compilation of negative thoughts about eating, body image, binging and purging shared by many who are/were struggling with disordered eating behaviours.
The way ‘It’ see’s eating
Imagine… every time you bring a mouthful of food to your mouth… hearing the following echoing with every chomp, swish and swallow. Even after it goes down the constant ringing of the voice always saying…
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“you pig, why would you do that”
“oh look who messed up again, shocker”
“Oh really another candy bar, well you’re already FAT… go ahead eat it fat ass”
“have another, it won’t do any more damage than you’ve already done, you’re going to throw it up anyways”
“wait where are you going to throw up so no one knows/will hear”
“do you have perfume/gum nearby so no one can smell the vomit on you after”
“I’m so proud of you for figuring out which finger works best”
“don’t you dare get it on your clothing, people would be disgusted with you and your gross throwing up”
“ahh see there you go, now you don’t have to feel guilty for eating now that it’s all out of your system… but aren’t you a little hungry again, maybe go have some more to eat, just do it again… it was easy the first time”
“okay so you’ve already done it twice today… just do it once more, then that’ll be the last one”
“if they keep asking why you go to the washroom after every meal just blame it on PMS, depression or something”
“okay so if I go do it on my lunch break that’ll leave me 5 minutes after eating, and I’ll go to the far washroom that no one ever goes to that way no one will hear me”
“you better hurry and do it quick, you know the longer it stays in you the more you’ll absorb, god forbid you need any more layers of fat on you”
“my favorite thing to throw up after anything I eat is ice cream, it comes up nice and smooth”
“think, if you do this for just a few more weeks you’ll be able to fit in and actually look normal”
“who cares if people want you to stop, it’s your body not theirs, you’re doing no harm to them, why are they being so selfish, let me make my own decisions”
“never give up on doing this, or you’ll never be worth anything”
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… pretty serious things to be hearing ‘It’ or that negative voice constantly tell you. Most people eat three meals a day with a few snacks and barely consciously think about what they consume. To someone with bulimia, it comes down to the moment the food touches your lips you start calculating how fast, where and how you can go unnoticed when getting it out. Crazy how ‘It‘ makes it seem like without the bulimia you’d be nothing.
If you or someone you love struggling with an eating disorder or even if you feel you have disordered eating patterns, I encourage you to find a therapist to assist you with your recovery / change process. For more information Contact us today!
Photo credit 1: anatheme from morguefile.com Photo credit 2: taylorschlades from morguefile.com
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