What Can I Do?

Heart pumping, worry, fear, palms sweating, knees buckling, inability to carry out daily activities, avoiding social settings, and withdrawing from social interactions; these are just a few of the symptoms that individuals suffering from anxiety experience.

Overwhelming feelings of anxiety frequently prevent people from living the lives they dream of having. At times, “normal living” can seem unattainable or pointless because of the burden of constantly feeling anxious, otherwise referred to as heightened fear and apprehension. After years of suffering from anxiety, some people may have a difficult time remembering what it was like to feel “normal.” For most sufferers, there was a more calm and relaxed time in their lives.

Anxiety rarely existed from birth or even early childhood. It may best be considered a phenomena that developed over time from a certain point in one’s life. Given the condition developed in concert with a person’s experiences and thought or cognitive development, effective interventions can assist people to uncover the sources and underlying thought patterns contributing to anxious and fearful experiences.

In addition to finding the underlying cause(s) of anxious symptoms, anxiety therapy can help people cope better and learn relaxation strategies to use when symptoms begin to arise. Individuals may learn to change their perceptions of situations, seeing these in less frightening ways and developing coping strategies to reduce the frequency and severity of panic or anxiety attacks.

Our registered and professional counsellors, located in Oshawa, can help individuals with anxiety recover and reclaim the life that was theirs back when anxiety was not a part of their daily living experience. Increased confidence in social situations and more satisfying relationships is the benefit when people struggling with anxiety get the help required to take control over anxiety.

Call us today , to discover the cause of your anxiety and learn how to overcome your symptoms!

The following are just a couple misconceptions about depression:

People should just get over “the blues” and get on with their lives
My life will never be normal again

We understand depression to mean more than just being unhappy. Many people who are in a depressed mood often think there is no way out and no one to help, however this is what many in our field call a cognitive distortion or thinking error. I prefer to call negative thoughts ” Stinkin’ Thinkin’ ”

“With a collaboration of effort, we can assess the many potential factors (genetic predispositions, personality, past abuse and neglect, excessively stressful situations, etc.) that are contributing to depression and help identify strategies, cognitive and behavioural approaches to help improve emotional and social health.

With help, most individuals suffering from depression can accomplish personal goals, work at an increased productivity level, and re-build and enhance relationships in their lives. One great resource, useful with or without therapy, is called Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky (new edition in 2015).

Call us today , for the opportunity to find effective, new strategies to cope with and even overcome depression.

When experiencing loss and grief, we may ask many questions yet never receive answers:

•Why take them from us so young?
•What could have been done to prevent this from happening? Or to help?
•Was I not a good enough influence or foster better choices?
•Will I get over this pain?
•How can I be there for my family when I can barely be there for myself?
•Is this fair?

We may toss and turn trying to find answers to these questions. We may question our faith and our reality, pondering what we truly are living for. When such tragedy strikes our families and friends, what good can come out of it?

It is very normal to have these questions, to worry, to be concerned. Feelings of helplessness, fear, anxiety, and sadness can become overwhelming. During our time of grief, coping with simple life tasks can be difficult. Take your time. Don’t rush into the hustle and bustle of life’s demands. Find comfort through loved ones who are also grieving, and accept support from those friends and others who want to extend care to you during this difficult time.

Prayer. For those who place faith in God, praying for strength, and sometimes just praying for survival can provide comfort and peace during the grieving process. When we question God’s plans, the best source to turn to is God Himself, reading time-tested and true ancient wisdom. Through prayer and scripture, we may not find the answers we are looking for, however we may find serenity, and regain our strength, hope and possibly even confidence in God’s plan for all of us.

Questions of faith and uncertainty can be addressed in counselling. Incorporating spirituality might just restore the hope that is essential to life and death. Call us today

Let Others Help You Untie / Lose the Addiction

Does it feel like every day there is a bulletin on the latest celebrity who has admitted himself or herself into rehab? The unfortunate passing of Phillip Seymour Hoffman was due to a heroin addiction. The death of Glee celebrity, Cory Monteith, was also from a drug overdose.

Some may perceive these celebrities as having amazing lives; they make a lot of money; they own multiple cars and homes. It appears that they have all the opportunities to have amazing lives and relationships.

If celebrities, people who seem to have so much, struggle to overcome addiction, how can the common-folk do it? On the radio, one doctor commented that there is no cure to an addiction. That’s all that was on the broadcast. There were no other comments to possibly instill a grain of hope in the listener’s mind.

So what about the so-called “addicts” who are not celebrities? What about the people who mortgage homes to pay for rehabilitation programs. What about those who have such a hard time believing they are worth the effort? What about those courageous people who, admittedly with help, have overcome addictive patterns of behaviour, persevere, improve their relationships and have been able to co-create happier lives? These are the stories and truths we need to hear more about.

Technically, many might agree with the doctor’s negative, “to-the-point” comment… “There is no cure to addiction”. It is absolutely possible, however, to have suffered from an addiction, overcome it with hard and consistent effort and to develop a happier life. YES!

If, as the doctor says “there is no cure”… then maybe it is not an illness. Perhaps it may, at least in some instances, be better viewed as an inappropriate coping strategy or poor stress response. In still other situations, it may be seen as learned behaviour that can be unlearned? With an accurate assessment, it is possible to determine the factors contributing, the level of risk as well as the strengths and resources available to effectively overcome addiction. This is the kind of news we should hear about. The opportunities and success stories are not heard enough.

If you’d like to tell your success story… please submit it to our email (jeff@jeffpacker.com) with your clearly stated permission to post it anonymously on this blog.

Thanks

The mind, body, and spirit connection is a rather complex concept, and we all struggle to figure out a healthy balance of nurture for each area. A broken leg, a failing pancreas, or a diagnosis of cancer all have an influence on our thought processes and stress level.

We assess the issues that are bothering you and provide coping strategies depending on the diagnosis and prognosis of your concerns. Our job is to help you with:

• Coping
• Stress management strategies
• Understand the grief and grieving process of diagnosis
• Education for yourself and family members

Are you looking for a balanced and healthy lifestyle? We can help! Book an appointment with us today.

Did you know that it is normal to get angry? And that the human nervous system responds automatically to internal and external demands, threats, and pressures?

So what makes anger a problem? As much as it is normal to experience anger, anger becomes a problem when it is not presented in safe and healthy ways.

Characteristics of unhealthy, destructive anger:

• You deny your feelings and pout (passive aggression) or lash out and attack the other person (active aggression).
•  You argue defensively and insist there’s no validity in what the other person is saying.
• You believe the other person is despicable and deserving of punishment. You appear condescending or disrespectful.
• You give up and see yourself as a helpless victim.
• You don’t learn anything new. You feel that your view of the situation is absolutely valid.
• Your anger becomes addictive. You won’t let go of it.
• You blame the other person and see yourself as an innocent victim.
• You insist that you are entirely right and the other person is entirely wrong. You feel convinced that truth and justice are on your side.
• You avoid or reject the other person. You write him or her off.
• You feel like you’re in a battle or a competition. If one person wins, you feel that the other one will be a loser.

Here are the healthy, constructive characteristics of anger:

• You express your feelings in a tactful way.
• You try to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even if you disagree.
• You convey a spirit of respect for the other person, even though you may feel quite angry with him or her.
• You do something productive and try to solve the problem.
• You try to learn from the situation so you will be wiser in the future.
• You eventually let go of the anger and feel happy again.
• You examine your own behaviour to see how you may have contributed to the problem.
• You believe that you and the other person both have valid ideas and feelings that deserve to be understood.
• Your commitment to the other person increases. Your goal is to feel closer to him or her.
• You look for a solution where you can both ‘win’ and nobody has to lose.

Call us today for strategies and techniques to cope with your anger provoking situations.

“The anger, the rage, the hurt, and the cold loneliness that separates you from your family, friends, and society’s normal daily routine are so powerful that the option of destroying yourself is both real and attractive….It appears, it grows, it invades and it overpowers you….You cannot put these things behind you…And the more people advise you to do so, the more you get mad because you know these things will not disappear. Time does not help,” (from Lt-Gen. Dallaire; Davison, Neale, Blankstein & Flett, 2002, p. 197).

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is commonly known to be experienced by those who have fought in wars and experienced combat stress; however, it may also occur to individuals exposed to prolonged abuse, trauma, and victimization at home, school, work and in other social situations. Personal tragedy, natural disasters, or overwhelming life experiences also contribute to suffering and potentially being diagnosed with PTSD. The term “reaction” has been used increasingly over more recent years with symptoms following after trauma.

When we are exposed to difficult situations, it can sometimes feel unbearable to cope with. Excessive memory loss, increased doubt and insecurity, thoughts that bad things are inevitable, trouble sleeping and eating are just a few symptoms of excessive stress. At times, our family and friends may develop unrealistic expectations that we are “strong enough” to overcome life’s challenges. This may inhibit sufferers of PTSD from seeking help and being able to move forward. Living with untreated or under-treated PTSD, people may subsequently, over time, “experience problems with anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, substance abuse (as a means of self-medicating), marital problems, poor physical health, and occupational impairment” (Blankstein, et al.).

Feeling stuck in this dark place, as Lt-Gen. Dallaire describes above, can make us feel like there is no way out. We may be reliving traumatic experiences on a daily basis and not realize that there are ways to overcome the situation differently—ways to cope, ways to feel loved and supported (not shameful or guilty).

One-to-one therapy can help address the specific needs of an individual with PTSD. Group therapy may create a space of support for those also suffering with PTSD; being in the “same boat” with others who are able to relate to similar symptoms and experiences. Together, both individual counselling and support groups can help individuals overcome the symptoms and impact of severe trauma and regain a positive perspective on life.

Call us today for an appointment and additional resources to assist you.

EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

EMDR, as with most therapy approaches, focuses on the individual’s present concerns. The EMDR approach believes past emotionally-charged experiences can overly influence our present emotions, sensations, and thoughts about ourselves and our experiences. As an example: “Do you ever feel worthless although you know you are a worthwhile person?”
EMDR processing helps break through the emotional blocks that keep us from living an adaptive emotionally healthy life.

EMDR uses rapid sets of eye movements to help update disturbing experiences, much like what occurs when we sleep. During sleep, we alternate between regular sleep and REM (rapid eye movement). This sleep pattern helps us process things that are troubling us.

EMDR replicates this sleep pattern by alternating between eye movements and brief reports about what the client notices. This alternating process helps update memories to a healthier present perspective.

Call us today for an appointment and additional resources to assist you.

At JP&A Inc. we believe it is important to attend to mind, body and spirit and to do so with an informed, intentional and balanced approach. Many of us can become leery or doubtful when the topic of spirituality surfaces and might confuse it with religion or religious practices. Spirituality refers to our connection with ourselves, others and our world.

One rabbi suggested four questions that cannot be answered by an encyclopedia or Google they are: “Who am I?”, “What is the purpose of life?”, “Why be good to one another?” and “What happens when we die?”.

Our agency and approach is founded upon the Christian value base that informs the way we view spiritual matters including the questions above. As part of our assessment we are interested in learning your spiritual foundations, core beliefs and values. Further, we explore how these influence your emotional and behavioural challenges. Together, we examine the alignment and potential realignment of core beliefs to behavioural expression and choices. Many of us do seem much more comfortable discussing physical and intellectual issues (the visible), possibly because spiritual issues may appear less visible, however, we believe how we contemplate our interconnectedness and relationship to one another has either a positive or negative impact on health outcomes.

Call us today for an appointment and additional resources to assist you.

What is normal eating? In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your emotions, your schedule, your hunger and your proximity to food. The key word is flexibility.

Normal eating is:

• Eating when hungry and continuing to eat until you’re satisfied
• Choosing food you like and eating until you feel you’ve had enough – not stopping because you think you should
• Being able to use some moderate constraint in your food selection, but not being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods
• Giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you’re happy, sad, bored, or just because it feels good
• Three meals a day, most of the time, but can also be munching
• Leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have more tomorrow, or eating more now because they taste so wonderful
• Overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable, but undereating at other times and wishing you had more
• Trusting your body to make up for mistakes in eating (Ellyn Satter, “How to Get Your Kids to Eat, but Not Too Much”)

Facts about Eating Disorders:

• Up to 20% of young women age 15-24 have serious eating problems
• In Canada, 65% of young women aged 15-19 feel “too fat” and have been on a diet
• 44% of all young women have tried dieting, including those who perceive themselves as being underweight or within a normal weight range
• Over 21,000 Canadian women 15-24 years old have anorexia, while nearly 57,000 have bulimia
• Close to 70% of women are weight preoccupied

In other words: if you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating patterns, you are not alone!

Find help with us today!

Many times couples tend to argue over differing opinions around parenting, money and sex. Even in these conflicts you can have balance by remembering that your opinion is only half of an opinion now that you have chosen to be in a committed relationship. When you put each of your opinions together, you can have a more whole and balanced perspective.

The way we think about our relationship can also be balanced if we remind ourselves of where our relationship is in it’s developmental stages. For example, during different periods of a relationship there will be different experiences – at the beginning it may be difficult, but also a honeymoon period; children being born is another stage and retirement yet another. This means it’s important that we evaluate our relationship in terms of years rather than weeks, but also consider that through all these stages it is not only your relationship that is changing – your partner is changing too!
We are learning for life

Take joy in life long learning about one another – what are their hopes, desires, concerns, issues, dreams? And what are yours? Discover with one another the joys you have to offer each other and the immense rewards of compassion and forgiveness. You will not be perfect and neither will your partner, but by practicing balance you can find improvement and harmony. For more support on building balance in your relationship, please Call us today

Many people think of intimacy as involving sexuality and physical intimacy; however intimacy encompasses a lot more. Seven areas or spheres of intimacy include:

• Emotional
• Sexual/physical
• Intellectual
• Recreational
• Experiential (shared experiences of past and present)
• Conflict & Crisis (ways in which couples resolve conflict)
Spiritual

Exploring all 7 spheres of intimacy is an important component in couple and relationship development. Conversations about areas of intimacy must continue throughout a romance, weaving ideas and feelings like threads into the fabric of the relationship thereby strengthening the connections for each person and the overall intimacy of the couple.

The challenge with discussing intimacy is that conversations usually centre in on physical and emotional needs not being met in a romantic relationship. Counselling is designed to help couples open up conversations in a light hearted, respectful, and nonjudgmental way so that difficult topics may be discussed and improved upon. The ‘sex’ talk is made more comfortable allowing couples to feel more open to explore sexual concerns and desires, identify goals and develop effective strategies to negotiate and navigate healthy change.

If you find it difficult to be open about sexuality and intimacy it is important to get coaching with a professional licensed counsellor who is comfortable discussing all areas of intimacy, especially sexuality.

Why be more open, mindful and sensitive when discussing sexuality? Because it is the one area of intimacy that is quite possibly the most volatile; on the one hand offering the most amazing, sensuous and erotic moments possible in the context of a loving romantic relationship and, yet on the other hand, the area of intimacy with extremely heightened risks and potential for harm and destruction.

With Jeff Packer MSW & Associates Inc., we discuss this topic in a confidential, discrete and private manner. Of course it is essential for open conversations in all areas of intimacy. Improved communication about ideas, concerns and feelings regarding intimacy, past present and future, is very beneficial for any couple who wants to further enhance their romantic relationship.

Call us to co-create the relationship you want!

Conflict has nothing to do with love or the lack of love in a relationship. It is simply a normal part of any intimate relationship. When we are in conflict with a loved one, we naturally want to get it resolved as efficiently as possible.

Relationship conflict, if not managed accordingly can be:

• Dysfunctional
• Harming
• Exhausting

Conflict can also be beneficial by:

• Bringing about diverse perspectives
• Identifying shared interests
• Separating individuals from the actual problem.

Contact us to create the possibility of having the relationship you want.

Stress is inevitable. In fact, a balanced amount of stress is healthy – it keeps us energized and engaged in the task(s) at hand. Stress can result from positive situations as well – weddings, birth of a child, new opportunities, etc. Stress becomes prohibitive and unhealthy, however, when it escalates beyond a manageable level. “manageable” stress level is different for everyone.

It may help to think of our bodies as a 100 litre gas tank. If our tank is 90 litres full of stress and an 11 litre stressor is added, our tank will overflow and the stress level will become unmanageable. It is important for us to keep track of the things that stress us, to limit these and effectively reduce the when and wherever possible.

Contact us to create the possibility of having the relationship you want.

While the easy and quite common answer is “just leave”, this is not always the best, the most desired or even the most beneficial decision for some couples. Of course, adultery most commonly refers to a sexual affair one spouse has outside of the marital relationship, however affairs quite often may begin as emotional infidelity. This is even more common as people now have access to so many others through the internet.

The type or magnitude of unfaithfulness is certainly correlated to the level of destructiveness to the relationship. For those who committed to a monogamous marital union, one where they would be faithful to one another forever (most common vows), an affair seems to be an insurmountable obstacle. If that is a deeply held thought or belief, then this alone may contribute to blocking any hope of repair.

What to do afterward is something that couples must determine for themselves, possibly during crisis or once the shock a
nd intense upset dissipates. Calm and rational minds can help spouses seek out professional and experienced counselling. This issue is not one to be brought to an inexperienced, novice counsellor, nor one to be easily addressed by reading a few books and talking with friends and family. While these resources can offer support and an opportunity to vent, seeking advice and effective direction from some sources can further damage an already fragile relationship. One very helpful book to use along with therapy is by Janis Abrahms-Spring, titled “After The Affair” – found at the link provided below.after the affair

Thinking clearly at these times is understandably very difficult to do, if not downright impossible. Fortunately, people can find help through written resources and professional, experienced counsellors that help clarify the issues and options, examine the spouses’ hopes and wishes given the situation and guide them to develop an effective strategy for moving ahead; whether that means separation, a “structured trial retreat” or working to repair and eventually even improve the marriage. The latter option is rarely discussed, perhaps one factor making it so difficult to comprehend? Keep an open mind.

Professional and confidential assistance to repair and improve relationships after adultery is available at Jeff Packer MSW & Associates. For caring, supportive assistance, an objective assessment and to clarify the best options to move forward in a healthy way after the affair

Contact us today!

Separation and divorce is a very difficult time for the entire family.

In such circumstances, people often feel “dissed”; dissatisfied, discontent, disconnection, disharmony, disappointment and disillusionment. Once couples, or one of the partners, decides to end the romance, the relationship quickly begins to degenerate, break down and deteriorate. Of course, this makes sense when one considers that there is no longer a contract, a clear set of contractual obligations or, simply put, no agreed upon relationship structure to guide discussions and decision-making. This leads to relative chaos which has often existed for months or years before the actual separation date.

No structure is required after a break-up… as long as you don’t have children, parental obligations or shared pets with your mate. In these situations it is important for those who are hurting to put their personal efforts into self-care, analyzing potential ways to improve intra-personal and interpersonal skills and towards acceptance of the grieving and mourning that normally accompanies significant loss.

Contact us today!

Stress is inevitable. In fact, a balanced amount of stress is healthy – it keeps us energized and engaged in the task(s) at hand. Stress can result from positive situations as well – weddings, birth of a child, new opportunities, etc.

Stress becomes prohibitive and unhealthy, however, when it escalates beyond a manageable level. “Manageable” stress level is different for everyone.

The Gas Tank Analogy

Think of your body as a 100 litre gas tank. If your tank is 90 litres full of stress and an 11 litre stressor is added to your life, your tank will overflow and the stress level will become unmanageable. It is important for us to keep track of the things that stress us, to limit these and effectively reduce them when and where possible.

Common large impact stressors include:

• accidents
•  romantic break-up, separation and divorce
• sudden deaths
• affairs
• lies
• trauma
• loss of job/financial concerns
• disability or health issues
• uneven work-life balance
loneliness and isolation
• school work
• job change
• changes in family structure (e.g. new baby or pregnancy, loss of family member, divorce, child moving away from home, etc.)

All of these events can test tolerance and our ability to cope with change and stress. To better manage stress-influenced events in your life.
Contact us today!

Along with the opportunity to experience life to the fullest comes a number of common changes often referred to as life transitions. It is vital to prepare as we approach these changes. In some situations we can prevent unnecessary setbacks and enhance our ability to embrace and traverse each new stage of life. Many significant transitions are marked by formal social events or rituals, for example: birth, graduation, marriage, retirement and death. These rituals are helpful as people display the value of family and relationships. Further, rituals signify moving out of one stage and into another.

Navigating each transition may seem to require more responsible emotional and behavioural expression. Obstacles that may limit the successful transition might include health factors, cognitive/intellectual capacity, individual personality characteristics, family dynamics, triggers from our past and of course our own readiness for change.

As with any successful journey it is important to map out the route, lay out a time-line and gather the resources, skills and supplies required. Counselling can assist us in preparation for our journey and/or assist us with returning to a more solid path.

Contact us today!

What can be said about communication? Not much! Sorry, just kidding. Human communication is the process by which we make feeble attempts to clarify our needs, goals, emotions, hopes and dreams to others. Of course, as many people are aware, the majority of communication data humans attend to is non-verbal. A conservative estimate is that between 80 and 90% of communication is non-verbal. This requires us to give and receive effective and accurate non-verbal communication. The communication process is the how when it comes to sharing information. Non-verbal communication employs facial expressions (use of eyes, the mouth), tone, volume, inflection and body positioning/gestures. Yet we tend to intellectually put most of our attention on the verbal (words used, topics discussed, content and details). An additional factor complicating human communication is our own level of self-awareness. To some extent we are all limited or restricted in our capacity to clearly express our internal experience openly and effectively to others.
Healthy communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship thus, it is upon each and every one of us to be constantly learning ways to improve. Fortunately, most of us simply require a minor tune up or realignment to our communication process. Others who find themselves in deeply intense and hurtful conflict will benefit from what some might refer to as a complete overhaul or transmission replacement. To negotiate, disagree, argue and even enter into conflict without being hurtful to the other person is an art that requires lifelong learning. This can be achieved through many avenues including reading, formal study at college or university or seeking help from a professional therapist.

Contact us today!

Most of us did not receive adequate parenting advice (and suggestions of how to be a good parent) coming out of school. When the baby came along, we soon discovered that parenting does not come naturally.

Parenting coaching from a qualified counsellor is beneficial for parents to:

• create strategies for handling day-to-day behaviours
• find solutions for exceptional/rare behavioural occurrences that provide challenges to daily living
• alleviate problems down the road
• manage and overcome current challenges with: anxiety, sadness, grief, and other family issues.

Additional resources such as 1,2,3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 and 7 habits of Highly Effective Teens may also provide support in parenting.Call us today

Families come in many shapes and sizes. Family members do not have to be blood relatives as many families tend to adopt formally or informally others into their families. How family members interact with one another is determined by a multitude of variables. Each individual family member is blessed with a unique combination of biochemistry, genetic coding, and experiential input which forms what many might refer to as the personality. Family members interactions with one another quickly develop into patterns of behaviour. Family systems theory indicates that all family members are interconnected by the roles and rules governing these interactional dynamics. Emotional intensity is higher amongst intimate family members, relative to other social groups such as sports teams, colleagues, friends and difficulties with expression of emotion are normal for the course of family development.

Given the above, the action of one family member has an automatic impact upon every other family member. Family work may be done as a whole group, in sub-systems (eg. parent/child, sibling, parent/parent, spouse/spouse, extended family member) or individually. People may often include family members as guests to their therapeutic journey. Therapy aims to assess problematic dynamics, contributing factors and together develop an action plan for goal attainment.

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B – Being honest and

O – open. Having

U – understanding conversations that

N – nurture positive feelings and thoughts.

D – determining your wants and values and

A – assertively helping others become aware of these.

R – respecting yourself and others by making

I – intentional efforts to improve your relationships.

E – empathetic and effective communication so all involved feel

S – safe and secure.

For many couples after separation or a break up, or even those underneath consistent conflict, deciding to reconcile can be difficult to visualize. Sometimes reconciliation does not mean re-establishing a romantic relationship. Some couples choose, after separation, to establish a new relationship for cooperative and positive parenting to take place.

Without a doubt, it is quite difficult for most couples to reach an amicable closure of the romantic part of their relationship. This, however, is an essential step toward effectively developing a positive co-parenting relationship. For some, this may indeed seem almost impossible; moving from a couple once in love to negotiating and implementing a mutually respectful cooperative parenting agreement. Parents interested in the healthiest environment for raising children can benefit from professional coaching to reach this goal as soon as possible after their separation.

Feelings of grief, betrayal, hurt, confusion and disappointment can cloud perceptions, potential for forgiveness and severely limit healthy and clear communication. The identification and development of healthy communication and negotiation processes are central to building an effective co-parenting relationship. This is where boundaries come in to play. While emotions are high, and pools of uncertainty exist, boundaries establish clarity and safe measures to begin the process; deconstructing one part of the relationship while reconstructing another.

Examples of cooperative parenting agreements include guidelines for how and when to talk, what to discuss and with who (e.g. with children, family, friends), when to have flexibility and how to negotiate or renegotiate changes. Additional topics to be worked out include ways to stay child focussed, shared parenting time, drop offs and pick ups, extracurricular activities, holidays and the pre-planned calendar of events. Boundaries that are firm, with modest flexibility, greatly reduce the chance for disagreements, enhancing the likelihood parents and families will have caring, calm and relaxed “post-separation” relationships.

For experienced, professional guidance in this area, book your appointment today.

While taking stuff away and grounding children from going out may be common and an easy approach (possibly one our parents used) it is really a “last resort” discipline strategy. When we think of adjusting our children’s thinking to improve emotional and behavioural outcomes… taking things away can actually contribute to increased negative thinking and lowered self esteem. This is what I like to call “Stinkin Thinkin“!

Discipline is to teach or coach. It is best designed to provide consequences (rewards and punishments) that improve self esteem and more positive thinking. Rather than taking something away or grounding why not add something. Assigning age-appropriate chores and tasks is an excellent disciplinary strategy. This teaches that their behaviour is not desired while building up their skill set and reducing time to dwell (for both parents and children) on the undesirable behaviour. Tasks and chores also benefit all involved… wow!

There are many small and moderate size chores around the house for lesser infractions and, of course, some larger chores for those more blatantly defiant behaviours. Disciplinary tasks may include reading, music practice or any range of other things that contribute to your child’s well-being.

Think about it. How do you feel when you have accomplished something. Generally, most of us feel glad to be done, a sense of satisfaction, completion and confidence. We usually have also increased our knowledge and skill on how to do the particular task or chore. Getting kids to read about and write down ways to resolve problems may also be great task for behaving poorly.

We can even get our preteens and teens to come up with options for consequences. Choices help improve buy in and motivation. Would they rather do a task, help another person or do a chore? We tend to be more open to do a particular task when we have a say or are included in the decision-making process.

Next time your teenager requires discipline for something… think of three Cs -> consequences, chores and choices.

Contact us today!

While many researchers may indicate yes to this question, it doesn’t have to be so. The initial turmoil and emotional upset following separation and divorce impacts all family members to some extent disrupting family stability, emotional balance and even parental effectiveness. Of course this may not come as a surprise. When we experience significant loss, grief and the associated increased stress levels we do not usually function as well, both physically and emotionally.

In his article in The Future of Children, Paul R. Amato expresses this concern;

“Many single parents, however, find it difficult to function effectively as parents. Compared with continuously married parents, they are less emotionally supportive of their children, have fewer rules, dispense harsher discipline, are more inconsistent in dispensing discipline, provide less supervision, and engage in more conflict with their children.” VOL. 15 / NO. 2 / FALL 2005

Many parents in this situation come in for counselling feeling “overwhelmed”, at their “whits end” and even like they’re “losing their mind“.

What can be done? Fortunately, for those parents (even one) who are open to assistance, and willing to put the marital dispute aside, cooperative parenting coaching, is quite beneficial for improving family functioning. Learning what is useful when adjusting after a separation and developing an effective co-parenting plan that is specific to your situation can greatly reduce stress and improve social, emotional, cognitive and academic or vocational functioning.

Both, children and parents can do better at school and work, and with each other , with a clearly defined and equitable co-parenting agreement.

Our Oshawa counsellors can assist you with adjusting after separation and divorce and help you develop great co-parenting

Contact us today!

I spoke with a young girl today and we were discussing the excitement and anticipation of Christmas. It was approaching fast and this year appears to have gone by so quickly. This was not a counselling session; just a casual conversation with a young friend.

A lot happened in your life this year.
Yah! I guess.
What did you like the most?
Summer time and my birthday pool party.
What didn’t you like so much about this year?
[A lengthened silence prior to her response]

Like… I’m happy to see my mom happy, but I don’t like that she got engaged. I like it but I don’t. I like him, he’s nice. But I don’t know what this means for me. I hear all these plans being made and no one asks how I feel. I’m happy I get to decorate my own room when we move though. Do I have to call him ‘dad’? What about my dad? Now I have two dads?

Sometimes parents attend to their own needs for love and companionship without having open communication with their children. This is especially true when parents determine their children are too young to have these types of conversations. Although we may attempt to keep our children’s best interests top of mind, when selecting and bringing a companion into their lives, it is still important to talk with our children, explore their feelings and concerns along with their positives.

When significant events happen in our lives, the strength of a co-parenting relationship can allow for the entire family to understand and celebrate special times. When the entire family takes part in open conversations, we foster improved understanding of each others’ view points, strengthen our connection as a family, and make adjusting to new members go more smoothly. In other words, we prevent frustrations and potential problems in advance.

Merging families sucessfully and enhancing co-parenting is best done with coaching from professional counsellors. After twenty years of working with families, experience helps families cope with and adjust to difficult life changes. At Jeff Packer MSW & Associates, areas of support include the following:

• Helping couples cope with separation/divorce, grieving and adjustment issues
• Family structure assessment and re-establishing effective roles and rules
• Establish a co-parenting communication plan and strategy
• Identify goals for raising children in the most healthy and appropriate manner
• Create safe and healthy boundaries between co-parents
• Develop positive relationships with co-parents’ romantic partners
• Improve communication skills; specifically, conflict resolution and problem-solving
• Assist with crucial conversations in a non-blaming and accepting environment

Contact us today to improve post-separation adjustment and co-parenting relationships. Why? Because you and your children are worth it!

Stress is inevitable. In fact, a balanced amount of stress is healthy – it keeps us energized and engaged in the task(s) at hand. Stress can result from positive situations as well – weddings, birth of a child, new opportunities, etc.

Stress becomes prohibitive and unhealthy, however, when it escalates beyond a manageable level. “Manageable” stress level is different for everyone.

The Gas Tank Analogy

Think of your body as a 100 litre gas tank. If your tank is 90 litres full of stress and an 11 litre stressor is added to your life, your tank will overflow and the stress level will become unmanageable. It is important for us to keep track of the things that stress us, to limit these and effectively reduce them when and where possible.

Common large impact stressors include:

• accidents
•  romantic break-up, separation and divorce
• sudden deaths
• affairs
• lies
• trauma
• loss of job/financial concerns
• disability or health issues
• uneven work-life balance
loneliness and isolation
• school work
• job change
• changes in family structure (e.g. new baby or pregnancy, loss of family member, divorce, child moving away from home, etc.)

All of these events can test tolerance and our ability to cope with change and stress. To better manage stress-influenced events in your life.
Contact us today!

Family reunification therapy is fundamentally a psycho-educational process where the “client” is the entire family system and is sometimes court ordered. This process though often referred to as therapy is more of a psychoeducational process. As such, family reunification therapy, has at its nature a set of goals to be achieved within a defined period of time. The parents can expect the therapist to be directive in approach, while professionally managing feelings and emotions.

A psycho-educational process may therefore feel more “uncomfortable” than a purely therapeutic process. This is because the referral is typically made when the family system is unable to support healthy relationships among its members and needs to be transformed into a healthier state with the assistance of an experienced guide.

Contact us today!

When we get a first sight at our newborn child, we are overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings: feelings of love, joy, happiness, and excitement. Sometimes, we may anticipate fear, grief and worry. We may question how we keep this perfect little bundle in our arms perfect as a toddler, child, teenager, and adult. We ask how we might instil core values and life lessons so that our child does not make the same mistakes that we did.

We are excited to be a part of this perfect being’s growth and development but at the very same time, also nervous. We may sometimes feel that we have to give our child “everything”, however, is “everything” too much? Tough to know when we are doing this for the first time 🙂

Setting healthy, appropriate boundaries with our children may be the best teaching/gift that parents can provide. When we create a balance in our disciplinary approach we improve the chances for healthier relationships. We establish mutually respectful guidelines, clarity in communication and increased understanding of roles in the family.

Sometimes our own thoughts and feelings can make boundary settings difficult. “Will they (our children) hate me?” “I don’t want to be a bad parent.” “What if this doesn’t work?” “Is it too late to create a boundary now?” Our own upbringing or experiences growing up, left unattended to in our subconscious, may unknowingly influence our parenting approach in less than desirable ways.

Recognizing and responding to these inner thoughts in a healthy way is an important aspect to effective parenting. Historic thoughts arising from time to time is normal, some serve to guide our path while others may actually block healthy development for us and out children. Learning about and practicing effective healthy boundary setting may not only offset feelings of uncertainty, but may surprisingly increase a more confident and relaxed approach to parenting.

Contact us today! to work on increasing parenting competency through increased awareness, skill sets and with the creation of effective boundaries for you and your family.